Your Horoscope For Today

Aquarius!

There's travel in your future when your tongue

freezes to the back of a speeding bus.

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing

whack-a-mole 17 hours in a day.



Pisces!

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos

with the Ebola Virus.

You are the true lord of the dance

no matter what those idiots at work say!



Aries!

The look on your face will be priceless

when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon.

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf

then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.



Taurus!

You will never find true happiness.

What you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,

do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.



That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today



Gemini!

Your birthday party will be ruined once again

by your explosive flatulance.

Your love life will run into trouble

when your fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.



Cancer!

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend

the rest of the week face down in the mud.

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose

while taking your driver's test.



Leo!

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt

and staple it to your boss's face (oh no!)

Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding

then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick



Virgo!

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent--

EXCEPT FOR YOU!

Expect a big surprise today

when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.



That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today



Now you may find it inconceivable,

or at the very least,

a bit unlikely that the relative position

of the planets and the stars

could have a special deep significance

or meaning that exclusively applies to only you...

But let me give you my assurance

that these forecasts and predictions

are all based on solid scientific documented evidence!

So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize

that every single one of them is absolutely true---Where was I?!



Libra!

A big promotion is just around the corner

for someone much more talented than you!

Laughter is the very best medicine.

Remember that when your appendix bursts next week!



Scorpio!

Get ready for an unexpected trip

when you fall screaming from an open window.

Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem-

--you stupid freak.



Sagittarius!

All your friends are laughing behind your back--

--Kill them!

Take down all those naked pictures

of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.



Capricorn!

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person--

but you know they're lying--

If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows

and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again!



That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay

That's your horoscope for today!