Naked At An Awards Ceremony

I'm naked at an award ceremony

I'm hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he's eating canapes

I've got a laser pen

And I'm shining it on Salmon Rushdie's forehead - like that

Missing Brian May's hair by a fraction

Yeah I'm naked

But nobody seems to mind

Record company execs tuck into their meat and two veg

I wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry

The theme tune to Howard's Way plays gleefully in the background

And everybody taps their feet

Meatloaf wets himself and he's gotta leave

So I might have to fill his place in the show

And I duet with a chauffeur who's driving Whitney Houston

or somebody like that

And we sing 'Abide With Me' at the top of our voices

To my surprise I get an erection

Not a full on erection like Jeff Striker

But a timid Aled Jones sort of affair

Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage

Through the medium of dance I explain what Shirley

Bassey's back garden looks like

Brings the house down

Everyone gets cold and leaves