Val Kilmer

I always thought my movie

Would be a comedy

Not quite the tragedy that its become

More slapstick than chickflick

More 'Caddyshack' than 'Breakfast At Tiffany's'

So, thank me at the podium

For a lifetime of contribution

Turn on the cameras

Someone cue the extras

Hair and makeup to the set



Because the big screen's callin

Final casting call

It's your big shot baby you're the next big star

On another stupid movie

'bout a guy with a broken heart

Is fallin apart

You're headed for the cutting room floor

And in the sequel honey

I'm the guy who gets the girl



So if you miss my movie

Get the DVD

Check out the chemistry

Between you and me

Less 'Raising Arizona'

More 'Steel Magnolias'

So when you walk down that red carpet

I hope you trip and fall

I hope someone squirts you with a watergun

A super soaker filled with pee



Because the big screen's callin

Final casting call

It's your big shot baby you're the next big star

On another stupid movie

About a guy with a broken heart

Is fallin apart

You're headed for the cutting room floor

And in the sequel honey

I'm the guy who gets the girl



All apologies

To Kevin Costner

and that chick from 'Monster'

Give me Adam Sandler,

Will Ferrell, Belushi and even Val Kilmer

He was funny in 'Real Genius'



~Greg~

What about 'Top Gun'?

~Jaret~

No, 'Top Gun' wasn't funny

~Greg~

Whatever



'Top Secret' was funny too

But he sucked at 'Batman'



Because the big screen's callin

Final casting call

It's your big shot baby you're the next big star

On another stupid movie

About a guy with a broken heart

Is fallin apart

You're headed for the cutting room floor

And in the sequel honey

I'm the guy who gets the girl