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Artist/Band:
Frank Zappa
Lyrics for Song: Wet T-Shirt Nite
Lyrics for Album: Joe's Garage [1979]
After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and
being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is
dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due
into the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks
by entering the Wet T-shirt contest at The Brasserie...
Ike:
Looks to me like something funny Is going on around here People laughin' 'n'
dancin' 'n' payin' Entirely too much for their beer And they all think they are
Clean outa-site And they're ready to party 'Cause the sign outside says it's
WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Hot delight Well the girls are
excited Because in a minute They're gonna get wet 'N' the boys are
delighted Because all the titties Will get 'em upset 'N' they all think they
are Reety-awright 'N' they're ready to boogie 'Cause the sign outside says
it's WET T-SHIRT NITE 'N' they all crave some Pink delight When the
water gets on 'em Their ninnies get rigid 'N' look pretty bold It's a common
reaction That makes an attraction Whenever it's cold 'N' all of the fellas
They wish they could bite On the cute little nuggets The local girls are
showin' off tonite You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it
serves 'em right You know I think it serves 'em right You know I think it
serves 'em right And it's WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN I know
you want someone to show you some tit! BIG ONES! WET ONES! BIG WET
ONES!
At this point, FATHER RILEY (who had been recently de-frocked for not
meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport
coat and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY JONES) steps
onto the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a WET T-SHIRT
CONTEST EMCEE...
Buddy Jones:
Ah, thanks, IKE... Yes, it's WET T-shirt TIME AGAIN Here at the Brasserie...
Home of THE TITS...huh huh... And it's the charming Mary from Canoga
Park Up next in her bid for the semi-finals... Hi, Mary...howya doin'?
Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does not
recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the rectory
basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills...confounded
by his sport coat, she replies...
Mary:
Hi!
Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even appreciates the
patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES, like
a true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person, proceeds to say various stupid
things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby giving
the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy more
exciting beverages...liquid products that will expand their consciousnesses
to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami
By Night...
Buddy Jones:
Where ya from?
Mary:
Ah, the bus...
Buddy Jones:
Which one?
Mary:
You know...the last tour... You know...Leather
Buddy Jones:
Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 Phydeaux III... why don't you get in
position and take a deep breath, because this water is very, very cold,
but it's goin' to be so stimulating. And Mary's the kind of Red- Blooded
American Girl who'll do anything...
Mary:
Anything...
Buddy Jones:
I said anything...for fifty bucks That's right!
Mary:
I really need the fifty bucks you know I gotta get home!
Buddy Jones:
Yeh, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed...that's right,
you heard right...our big prize tonite is fifty American Dollars to the girl
with the most exciting mammalian protuberances...
Mary:
Here I am!
Buddy Jones:
...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of
male person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON
UNDERGARMENT! Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!
Mary:
EEEK!
Buddy Jones:
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like you just
got an ice pick in the forehead...AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE
FOREHEAD ...a million laughs, Mary! Anyway; good golly, what a mess...
she's totally soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...That's it
just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya honey!
Mary:
Here I am!
Buddy Jones:
Whaddya say, fellas? Nice setta jugs? Now Mary, how's about shakin' it
around a little...
Mary:
Ooooh!
Buddy Jones:
Oh my goodness, look at her go!
Mary:
Oooh! I'm dancing! I'm dancing!
Buddy Jones:
Ain't this what living is really all about! Here's your fifty bucks Mary...
Mary:
Oh great! Now I can go home!
Buddy Jones:
Home is where the heart is.
Mary:
On the bus.
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| Album Lyrics: Joe's Garage [1979] |
Frank Zappa
"Joe's Garage [1979]"
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